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  1. I’m not clear on what exactly that means, and I am clear that I don’t know. Even though she was resetting and I was being accommodating, I was ignoring my own over-accommodating tendencies. So slowing down and paying attention to what the other person is saying, IS important. When the listening is too animated, too connected, you need to gauge whether someone is being attentive for their own needs or as a strategy. I listened to women complain about their marriages. (We’re talking first dates here, so either way it’s OK, but it’s giving me a lot of information.) Do you touch me back? I can tell a lot from a first intentional touch on your shoulder.