A girls guide to dating

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If you can cook anything - literally anything, even a bacon sandwich - casually mention that at some point too.

With dating apps as our metaphorical free pass, we appear to be zipping through this dystopian carnival of love with our trademark extremism, only to be confronted by an ardent sense of nausea at the end of each ride.

As I watch my friend massacre her phone, my mind drifts to my rookie Tinder days, which coincide with my time living in Paris.

A guide to dating posh girls is what I've been asked to write. That we’re unicorns, trotting around out there flicking our shiny hair, only interested in posh male unicorns who went to Eton. So awed and grateful we may suggest going home with you immediately. Posh girls bloody Don’t actually wear a kilt to this date though. We know basically nothing about trainers so they don’t have to be very special. Clean-shaven baby-faces remind us of the Tory front bench and although we may vote Tory we don’t want to sleep with them. We’re into that because most of us come from emotionally-repressed homes where family members communicate via the Labrador.

But chaps, many of you seem to be labouring under the idea that it’s hard to sleep with a posh girl. Just don’t wear brown suede loafers because brown suede loafers scream "Chess Club" and we’re not here to play chess. So unless you also have the sort of family that makes the Borgias look like a fairly cheerful bunch, go big on your home life.

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And determine your love-ability with the help of quizzes, Q&As, compatibility tests and true love checklist.

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